The Closer I get....

I'm five short days away from my trip home for the holidays. I'm ecstatic and stressed to the max at the same time. I don't know why but I get like this every time I plan a trip home. The closer I get to the date that I'm going to leave, the more stressed out I get. The more fed up I get. The more I feel like if he says one more f*ckin' thing I'm going to scream.

For the last month all I've heard about is how much this trip home (for the holidays) is killing us financially. How he's stressed out over money issues. I've heard about it to the point where feel guilty about going home to spend the holidays with my kid (and family) for the first time in almost 8 years.

He's known about this trip since August. He could have been saving up for it. Instead of spending money on Craigslist and Ebay on shit he doesn't need. (Seriously, he doesn't need it.) Instead of buying me an iPad for xmas.

I knew that he was buying the iPad, he'd told me about it a few weeks before he bought it. I could have told  him no, and I would have had I known that our credit card wasn't paid off like he'd led me to believe it was. Had I know that once again, he's been using the credit card to "get us by" at the end of the month. Using it to go spend Thanksgiving with his parents. We could have just stayed home.

So yeah, I'm stressed over money. I'm going to be home for at least three weeks. And now I can't rent a car. Do you know how miserable it's going to be for me to not have a car? My Son said I could use his truck (the thing is so huge that it scares the hell out of me lol.) when he's working, and I know that my Dad will let me use his jeep when he doesn't need it. But damn...I like being able to have a car I can climb in without having to ask any one. Ya know?

I also wont be able to buy hardly any Christmas presents. My Son will probably get very little. I wont be able to buy my Sisters, or Nieces and Nephew (or their children) gifts. Don't get me wrong, I know that they'll understand but still. Can you imagine what it's gonna feel like opening gifts from them and not having anything to give them in return??

Can you believe that when I mentioned not being able to buy gifts to Mr he actually said "They should just be happy that they get to spend the holidays with you!" I had to get up and walk out of the room. At first all I felt was rage, I saw red. But then the smart ass in me wanted to come out and say to him "Well good, then we don't have to buy any gifts for your kids, your sister and her family, your brother and his family or your parents. They should just be happy they get to spend the holidays with you!" But I didn't. I don't know why.

I've decided that while I'm home I'm going to start checking into jobs and see if I can find something that will enable me to move home. I just don't see us working. I just don't see him changing. And I've had about all I can take. I'm tired of my feelings coming second, my family coming second.

Mr has only been working part time. That's not helping. For a couple of reasons. Because that means he's spending a lot more time at home (and working my last damn nerve), which means more nights of him staying up and playing Playstation until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Which means more of me having to listen to him bitch and whine like a damn four year old. Which also means that I have to go to bed with earplugs in my ears and music blaring on my iPad just to be able to go to sleep without him waking me up with his yelling every two seconds about a damn game.

It also means that if he doesn't start a new class by the 15th of this month he wont be getting a paycheck at the beginning of next month. Great. Today I asked him "So what happens if you don't have a new class by the 15th, what then?" All he said was "Well then I guess I'll have to figure something out."

That just doesn't work for me. Do you know what kind of stress that statement put me through?? I mean, he's just gotta sit around and wait to see if they can pull a class out of their ass before he's going to look for another job?? He's making half of what he was making at the job he quit to start teaching. The solution seems pretty simple to me. Hell better yet, try finding a job in my home state?? He wont, I've tried trust me.

I hate that I never having anything happy or funny to say over here. But what I do have to say is honest, it's my life right now. Trust me, it's even more depressing for me to live it than it is for you to read it lol.

All I know is that I'm NOT going to let anyone make me feel guilty for going home to spend the holidays with my family. I'm going to go home and I'm going to soak up every single second that I get with my son. I'm going to have fun and enjoy myself. I might as well because I never have fun here, I never enjoy myself.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Until next time.