It Takes Two

This entry is going to have some subjects that may be TMI for you. I want to warn you now, so your not surprised. I'll be discussing a few things in this entry, my (our) sex life is one of those things. You've been warned.

I left the last entry saying that I'm not happy in my relationship so I figured that was the best place for me to start this entry.

I haven't been happy for a while now. Mr and I have discussed it. I've made it perfectly clear what I need/want from him. Yet nothing seems to change.

I'll be the first person to tell you that I am far from perfect. Living with me is not easy. My health issues alone can be a burden to deal with. Quite often it (when I'm having a flare) leaves a lot of the housework for him to do. That must be frustrating.

I'm horrible when it comes to doing laundry. I forget about it every single time. He does most of the laundry. He does most of the cooking. I'm used to cooking a certain kind of food (y'all know where I'm from), he's not used to eating that every day. So he chooses to do most of the cooking.

He's made it clear what (changes) he needed/wanted from me. I at least made an effort. I at least tried to change. He hasn't. So I stopped making the effort. Why should I put my all in if he's not willing to?

When I say that it makes me feel childish. Though, when I'm the only one who's making the effort to make this work it reminds me of when I was with the ex and doing everything to try to make my marriage work only to have it slap me in the face.

He's so set in his ways that he can't see doing anything any other way that what he's used to. I get that. Change is never easy. But it's sometimes required to make a relationship work. He's got to know this, right?

What else can I think except that he knows if he wants us to work then he needs to be as willing to change to make me happy as I am (for him).

He knows and he doesn't (seem to) care. That's exactly what I think.

In all honesty, there are more issues than I'd care to admit. The crazy thing to me is that when I bring these issues up with Mr he seems like it such a surprise to him. How can he not see the same things that I do? How can it not bother him as much as it does me?

I feel bad about talking about this, even here. And honestly, I'm embarrassed to talk about it but I trust the few of you who I've given the link to this blog and I know that you're not judging me (or Mr) so that makes it a little easier for me.

Our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. Literally. Since we got married we've probably had sex twice a year. He hasn't touched me in 8 months. Not because that's my choice. It's his. (Before we got married, it was much more often. Weird.)

I don't even try (to have sex) anymore. I can't take the rejection. It's killing whatever self esteem I have left.

If he were suddenly paralyzed or if he had health issues that made it impossible for us to have sex, I'd be the supportive wife and stand by his side. I'm not saying that would be easy, but I love him so it's what I'd do. But that's not the case. Unless there are issues and he's just too embarrassed to talk to me about it.

Both of my Sisters have asked me if I think he's seeing someone else. I don't. He goes to work and he's home 15 minutes after he gets off of work. He doesn't really go anywhere without me. So I honestly don't think that's it.

I've tried talking to him about this several times. Every time I bring it up I get a different excuse. This is just a small list of the excuses.

  • I'm (he's) uncomfortable with how much weight I've (he's) put on.
  • I'm so tired by the time that I get off of work that I just don't have the energy for it.
  • Our sleep schedules are so different that it seems like we never go to bed at the same time.
  • We've both put on weight and I'm just not comfortable. 
  • I'm just stressed about money and/or bills.
  • Hearing the dogs crying (in their kennels) is such a distraction for me (him).
  • I know how much it (sometimes) makes your muscles hurt when we have sex and it makes me feel bad.
  • I think I have low testosterone.

And here are my answers to all of those excuses.

  • Babe, I love you. You look great to me. I don't care how much weight you've put on. 
  • You're off on weekends, we could at least make one day a weekend for us.
  • No one says you have to have sex only at night when you go to bed. Hell, sex in the middle of the day or whenever the mood hits us is fun sometimes. You should try it. (I also started going to bed at the same time as him.)
  • Oh no he this mofo didn't. Yeah, he did. I let him live. Nuff said.
  • I can get a job. Hell, I can even help relieve that stress, come here. 
  • Then get rid of the damn dogs. If we can't have sex because a couple of bad ass dogs then they've got ta go! I'm not playing.
  • I've got plenty of pain pills, we're good to go. All kidding aside, I also know how much it (sometimes) make me hurt. I'm still willing to "do it!" No one says we've got to get buck wild and hang from the ceiling and shit.
  • Then go to the effin' doctor and talk to them about it. They've got pills for that ya know.

Y'all I'm not asking the man to jump me and "do me" like a porn star every time he sees me. Hell, I'd settle for once a month. Once every three months. Anything would be better than what it is now.

Some of you may be able to understand where I'm coming from about this. No matter how many different excuses he gives me there's only one thing I keep telling myself.

He just doesn't want me. That I'm too fat. That he's not attracted to me. That I'm not sexy enough. That I'm not skinny enough. That I don't turn him on enough. I could (and do, in my mind) go on and on.

I've never in my life felt this insecure about my looks/weight. I've never been with a man who wasn't all over me 24/7. But knowing that our sex life (or lack there of) doesn't bother Mr makes me feel like it's me.

I've told him this. Many times. I've cried about it to him. Maybe I'm expecting to much but you would think knowing that he was making me feel that way about myself would make him want to do anything to make me stop feeling that way about myself. Nope.

It's not only the lack of sex that bothers me. There's no affection. There's none of that playful stuff that two people who are in love, and happy do with each other. There's nothing that makes us a "normal" couple anymore. We're more like room mates who just happen to love one another and sleep in the same bed together. That's it.

I normally get two kisses a day, one in the morning (if I'm up) before he goes to work and one when we go to bed. Two little pecks. That's it.

If I'm up before Mr leaves to go to work I always make a point of telling him how nice he looks. Even when he's just wearing jeans and a polo. I always tell him how good he smells (when he's wearing cologne), or how pretty his eyes are. Something to make him feel nice.

He never does that for me. I always ask him "Does this look OK?" or "Do I look OK?" and I always get the standard "Yeah!"'s like pulling teeth.

We don't do anything anymore. He goes to work, I go to school. We come home and spend the night watching TV. Once a month we go grocery shopping. That's it.

There's no "date nights" like there used to be, there's no getting out on the weekends and doing anything fun. He seems so content with the way our life is going, I don't see how. I'm bored to death.

I understand that money is tight right now since he's only working one job (instead of the two he had been working) but there are a lot of things to do around here that don't cost anything (except gas money) or cost very little to do. He's doesn't seem to want to leave the house.

I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to live. I want to get out and breath fresh air. It feels like these walls are closing in on me most days.

Yeah, I could get out and do things by myself but where's the fun in that? I want to do things with him. I want to get him excited about our life together again. Instead of him just being content living the way we are.

But then I feel selfish. Who says that he isn't perfectly happy with the way our life is going? Who says this isn't exactly how he's always wanted our life to be? Is it fair to expect him to change that for me? Is it fair to expect me to settle with our life as it is, for him?

Do I love him? Hell yes. Do I still want to make this marriage work? In a perfect world, yes. But I need to be near my family, and I need him to change.

I've always been one of those people who runs when things get tough. I've never been willing to hang through the tough stuff and give it my all to make things work. And that's why I haven't left yet. Because I don't want to be that person anymore.

If I end up leaving Mr I need to know in my heart that I've given it my all. That I've put everything that I have in me to make this marriage work. That every thing I sacrificed, all the time away from my kid and my family weren't for nothing. That at least this time, I did everything I possibly could to make it work. That it wasn't a failure because of me.

My one (my only) friend here J tells me all the time, "Girl, why don't you just go home. You're not happy. It shows on your face every time I see you."

And I'll be honest, it's something I'm seriously considering right now.  I don't have much left in me to give. It hurts to admit that. It is what it is though.

I'm not going to sit back and let life pass me by.  I am going to give him everything I have to give until I don't have anymore left to give. It is going to reach a point where I have nothing left. It is going to reach a point where I wont be able to give my all when I'm getting nothing in return.

Thanks for listening. I know that the subject of this entry contained some really person information and I really appreciate you if you're still reading this. I hope I didn't make you feel too uncomfortable but writing this and being able to see my feelings on the screen is helping me a lot more than I realized it would.

AnyTMI, thanks again. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. We could use all the help we can get right now!

Until next time.

All About The Benjamins

I have to admit something to y'all, I'm shocked by how much writing all of this has helped me to understand myself more. It also makes me feel like "Wow, this really looks like my life is a total mess." 

I hope that I haven't shocked any of you or that I haven't come off that I'm whining. I'm not. I'm venting. I'm also exploring my relationship, and my options.

On my other blog I feel like I've pretty much stopped posting other than the weekly meme's that I do because it feels fake. I can't put the truth in there. Half truths feel fake to me and that isn't fair to me or to my friends who read it. The ones who actually care about what's going on my life as much as I do theirs.

It just feels so good to get it out. To be able to express myself. To not hold all of this resentment in. It's actually been liberating. And hell, if you get sick of reading about my problems, you always have the option of not reading it. I wont be offended.

This is more a way for me to get my frustration out and to express myself than it is a place to explain to anyone what's really going on in my life. Though, I do want y'all to know what's going on.

I guess I'll start today with money issues. It's something that really bothers me and it seems to be a major issue with him too.

As I said in my last entry I know that we don't go out and do as much as we used to because money is tighter now that he's only working one job (instead of the two that he was working). I'd rather have the time with him (instead of his working two jobs) than the extra money in the bank.

I could have gone back to work. I was offered a job at the store where I used to work, as the head book keeper. I would have been making $16-$20 an hour. He was adamant that he doesn't want me working. Because of how hard the job was on my body and because he really wanted me back in school to get my GED.

He's right about how hard that job was on my body when I worked there before. It was horrible. I was in constant pain and eating Vicodin like they were candy. I hate relying on pain pills to make it through the day. I don't want to become addicted to those damn things. I know too many people who are.

And I really want to get my GED. It's something that's really important to me. So when he said he didn't want me going back to work, I was all good with it. He said that we didn't need the money. I believed him.

See, he handles the money. I don't spend more than $10 without asking him first. He's always said to ask him first so he can be sure that we have enough money in the bank. So that's what I do. I don't mind asking him first, it's no big deal to me.

When we first got married he added me to his bank account. He was added to mine (when I was working) from the day I opened it. Before we were married.

Anymoneyissues, when I was added to his account they set it up so I could do online banking. I forgot my log in info and one day while we were talking I told him I needed to call the bank so I could get the info to log into our account.

You should have seen his face. You'd swear I just said that I wanted to go slaughter little babies in their sleep or something. He said "You can just use my info to log in." And we left it at that.

A couple of days later (this was right before I was leaving to go on a visit home and I wanted to be able to check the account to keep up with my spending.) I asked him what his log in info was and I could tell right away he wasn't happy about it.

I was confused. We'd just discussed it a couple of days earlier and there seemed to be no problem. He says "What do you need to log into the account for?" "What exactly is it that you're after?" WTF? Dude. Does he honestly think I'm going to rob him blind or something? Because that's exactly how he made me feel. I thought it was "our" money. Apparently he sees things differently.

I understand that his ex "robbed him blind" when they split. I'm not his ex. Just because she screwed you financially doesn't mean I will. Stop treating me like I will. That's his baggage, It shouldn't be my burden. I don't treat him like he's just like my ex, he shouldn't do it to me.

I tried explaining to him that I wanted to keep up with my spending while I was home but that also it was a good idea for me to have the info. What if something happened to him? I'd have no way of accessing "our" account.

He didn't seem to get it. He seemed suspicious of what my intentions were. I had no intentions, other than tracking my spending. That was it.

It bothers me that he would even question me about it. He doesn't trust me. That's obvious. I just don't understand why.

He hasn't always been honest with me about money and bills. I understand that it's a bruise to his pride that money is tight but he shouldn't lie to me about it. That just causes me to not trust him and we don't need that on top of everything else going on in our life.

When we argue, no matter what we're arguing about there's one thing that he always seems to manage to throw into the mix. "I'm the one who has to worry about the bills, I'm the one that has to figure out where the money's going to come from!"

I'm sure you can imagine how much that pisses me off. I'm not working because he was so against it. And if he wasn't so private about money and bills then maybe I could help. At least talking to me about it would help relieve some of his stress. But he chooses to keep it to himself.

And to be honest, he had a great job. We were doing good financially. Then he got this teaching job. It's his dream job. I understand that. He worked both for almost 9 months and it just got to be too hard on him working from 6 am till 1 am. It got to be too hard on us. He decided to quit the first job. I supported him in that decision.

Six months after he quit the first job the dream job decided to cut his pay by $10 an hour. That's not my fault. He's the one who said "OK" to them instead of standing his ground. He could have quit. I wouldn't have put up with my boss coming to me and saying "Hey we still want you to do the same job and work the same hours but we're going to pay you $10 less an hour than what we have been." I would have told them to kiss my ass.

He made the choice to stay. I supported his decision. It's his life, I just want him to be happy. He says the dream job makes him happy. It makes him stressed out over money though.

He makes a point of always letting me know how much stuff cost. If we go out to dinner he makes sure I see the bill. If I don't, me makes a point of telling me how much it was. Same with grocery shopping. Same with Christmas and birthday gifts. He always makes sure that I know how much he spent on me.

It gets old. It's almost as if he's saying "See much I just had to spend to make you happy?" I mean, if it's that big of an issue for you then don't do it. Simple enough right?

I hate asking for anything extra. You know, like hair cuts/highlights or make up (when I run out). It makes me feel like I'm a burden to him.

Last month I needed to order some new make up and I mentioned it four times and was told all four times "It's going to have to wait until next month, money's a little tight right now." Ok, no big deal. I can wait. Then I happened to sign into his Ebay (we both use it) and I noticed that he's bidding on over $170 worth of vintage stereo equipment. I almost lost my mind.

That afternoon I mentioned the make up again, I was told the same thing. So I mentioned that he might want to be careful of what he's bidding on then, I'd hate for him to win something and not be able to pay for it. Funny, I was able to order the make up that I needed that afternoon.

That's the kind of stuff that just kills me. Had I not signed into his Ebay I wouldn't have even known about it. But I don't spend more than $10 without discussing it with him first.

I guess I just expected when it came to buying "extras" (like vintage stereo equipment) that he'd discuss it with me first too. I don't think that I'm wrong for expecting him to give me the same respect that I do him. I've always thought it's something we should discuss as a couple (how any extra money is spent). Apparently, he doesn't.

I've never been in a relationship where I was made to feel like I wasn't an equal financially. Or made to feel like I'm a burden. Even if I wasn't working. Hell, I always had control of the money. Not because I asked for or demanded control. That's just how they wanted it.

I paid all the bills, I did all the shopping. They'd bring home their checks, take a little bit for the week and that was it. When it came to buying any extras, it was something we discussed as a couple.

And even then I didn't go out shopping or spending without discussing it with them first. It was what felt right to me.

I know that I can't expect Mr to do everything I'm used to, just like he can't expect me to do what he's used to. I realize it's a happy medium. I'm willing to meet in the middle. Mr never has seemed to be willing to do that.

I know that part of the reason for that is because when he got divorced he found out that he was over $25,000 in debt because he just came home and handed over his paycheck and didn't ask any questions. Once again though, I didn't do that. So don't make me have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

The more I post in this blog the more it makes me wonder if all of these issues are normal, if they're issues that all couples deal with in one sense or another. Or is my relationship, my marriage just completely screwed up?

Until next time.

Happiness Is Relative...

I've always been one of those people who lived to make everyone else happy. Because of the way that I was raised, my life (it seems) has never been my own.

It's always been about making sure that I did what everyone expected out of me, what they thought I should be doing. Instead of what I wanted to. My Mom was a very domineering woman. We usually did what we were told, no questions asked.

I've never been able to make decisions on my own. I've alway relied on my Mom, or my Sisters to "help" me make important decisions in my life. They know what's best for me right??

When I met Mr online and decided to move away from everyone to be with him, it was really one of the only decisions I'd ever truly made on my own.

I question that decision on a daily basis. Our lifestyles are totally different. We were raised totally different. I thought that since we'd spent over a year getting to know each other before we even met in person that we knew everything about each other. I was wrong.

I was also "in love" and probably missed a lot of "signs" that I shouldn't have. Hell, truth be told I didn't miss them. I ignored them. They were all right there for me to see.

In dealing with my feelings lately I've come to realize that without my family, I'm nothing. I'm empty inside. They're the ones who'll cheer me on no matter what. As crazy as they are, and as much drama as it can be, I NEED THEM. I've always said my family puts the "funk" in dysfunctional but I wouldn't have it any other way.

They're my driving force, when I'm ready to give up they'll be the first people to tell me "Oh no you're not!" 

Mr's family just isn't as emotional or supportive as mine is. At least not with me. I always feel like an outsider when we're all together. I'm always the odd one in the room. That's nothing against them. They're great people, we're just different.

Explaining the whole situation would probably help you understand where I'm coming from better. When I met Mr I was an extremely unhappily married woman. My husband at the time was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive.

He was addicted to pills. Any kind of pills. When he was on these pills he was mean. He was hateful. He'd say things to make me cry, in front of his friends, on purpose. It was a game to him.

He was a man I'd been in love with for over 20 years. We'd broken up once and both married other people and then 7 years later got back together.

He was "The Guy" for me. When I met him I swear, as cheesy as it sounds, I actually heard bells, angels...something. I fell in love with him (almost) instantly.

I actually fell in love with his two daughters before I fell in love with him. I loved that man with everything I had in me. My love for his two daughters is the same.

Drugs turned all that to shit. I was crushed. I honestly felt like I slowly dying inside. All of this was going on at the same time that I was being diagnosed with my health problems so depression was a major factor in my life. I was lost, I felt like no one understood me or what I was going through.

I hid a lot of what was going on in my life from my family. I was too embarrassed to admit that my life was in such a shambles.

Then I met Mr online. At first we were just "friends". He listened to me, he was nice to me. It took me a while to realize that I was in love with him. But once I did I knew there was no turning back. I also knew that the only way I was going to leave the ex, for good, was by moving out of state.

If I stayed where I was I would have ended up going back to the ex, time and again. Like I'd always done. So when Mr and I talked about who was going to move where, I decided that I would be the one to move.

I made that choice because Mr kept telling me that I could go home whenever I wanted to visit my family. Before I moved, I questioned Mr about "what if I get homesick?" or "What if my Dad gets sick and I need to go home?" his answer would always be "Well, we'll get you a ticket and send you home!"

It's a nice statement, but not at all practical. He doesn't have the money to spare for me to making trips home whenever I choose. I'm not "dissing" him for that. But if he had been honest with me before I moved, then I might have made a different decision about moving here.

I guess in the back of my mind I think he knew that, and that's why he wasn't honest about it. I would never have moved this far away had I known that I would have only been able to see my family once or twice a year.

As much as I'd like to not hold that against him, I resent him for not being completely honest with me about it. He also made it seem like I wouldn't be making these trips home alone. I resent the fact that he's only been there once (when we met).

When something comes up with his family, you better believe we're going to be there. If something comes up with my family, I'll be there (hopefully) but chances are...he's not going to be able to come with me. Because it's not that important to him. If it were, he'd make it happen.

I've even tried to talk him into driving there. Sure, it's a 19 hour road trip but we could make it fun, we could stop for a night somewhere. He's not even willing to do that. But it's not problem to drive 12 hours in a day to go pick his parents up.

When I bring this up it pisses him off. A lot. But how can I not feel like (at least to him) his family is more important than mine?

Every time I "announce" to my family members that I'm coming home for a visit the first question I get is "Is Mr coming with you?" My heart sinks every time I have to say no. My family doesn't understand why he can't come with me.

Sure, they understand about money always being tight, but they also realize that it's not very important to Mr that they get to know him better.

Since the day I moved here it's been about his kids, his family. My kid, my family seems like an after thought to him. They're secondary. And they always will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'd never be able to respect a man who didn't put his family first. But I also can't respect a man who doesn't consider my family his, and put them first too.

He's never even met my Father. When Mr and I met (in person for the first time) I thought it was too soon for them to meet. It was stupid of me to think that it was Ok to move half way across the country without at least introducing him to my Father first.

Mr has paid for two (maybe three) of my plane tickets home. Either I've paid for the rest, or my kid has. My kid likes to buy my tickets as gifts for xmas and birthdays. But it bothers me. He shouldn't be spending his money on plane tickets for me. But hell, he wouldn't see me nearly as much as he does (which is usually only twice a year) if he didn't.

Mr would never let one of his children pay his way for anything. But he doesn't see anything wrong with my kid having to do it in order to see me.

Even on Father's day when his kids have invited him out to dinner, he had to pay. They didn't even pull out their wallets. (Don't even get me started on the fact that not only was I not invited to this dinner, I was told that presence was not needed or wanted. That's another entry all together!)

I've begged Mr every way I know how to move closer to my family. At least within driving distance. When I do he starts looking for jobs on line, but never seems to be able to find one that pays as much as he's making now. I don't buy it. I know what kind of money there is to be made where I'm from.

He's also not willing to "get dirty" anymore. He's teaching now and he said that he doesn't want to go back to doing the actual work that he's now teaching.

If my feelings were important to him, he would be willing to sacrifice going back to the "dirty work". He's not. He doesn't want to move. The whole "job hunt" charade is just to get me to shut up about moving home. Once I quiet down about it, the job hunt stops.

I guess if I were happier with our relationship then I could deal with being so far away from my family better than I currently am. But I'm not happy.

He's a good man. You'll never hear me say that he's not. But he's also stubborn and not willing to change. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with that and still keep my dignity intact.

We'll leave that for my next entry. This one has gotten to be a whole lot longer than I'd planned it to be and I don't want to wear y'all out.

Thanks for "listening!"