I hope that I haven't shocked any of you or that I haven't come off that I'm whining. I'm not. I'm venting. I'm also exploring my relationship, and my options.
On my other blog I feel like I've pretty much stopped posting other than the weekly meme's that I do because it feels fake. I can't put the truth in there. Half truths feel fake to me and that isn't fair to me or to my friends who read it. The ones who actually care about what's going on my life as much as I do theirs.
It just feels so good to get it out. To be able to express myself. To not hold all of this resentment in. It's actually been liberating. And hell, if you get sick of reading about my problems, you always have the option of not reading it. I wont be offended.
This is more a way for me to get my frustration out and to express myself than it is a place to explain to anyone what's really going on in my life. Though, I do want y'all to know what's going on.
I guess I'll start today with money issues. It's something that really bothers me and it seems to be a major issue with him too.
As I said in my last entry I know that we don't go out and do as much as we used to because money is tighter now that he's only working one job (instead of the two that he was working). I'd rather have the time with him (instead of his working two jobs) than the extra money in the bank.
I could have gone back to work. I was offered a job at the store where I used to work, as the head book keeper. I would have been making $16-$20 an hour. He was adamant that he doesn't want me working. Because of how hard the job was on my body and because he really wanted me back in school to get my GED.
He's right about how hard that job was on my body when I worked there before. It was horrible. I was in constant pain and eating Vicodin like they were candy. I hate relying on pain pills to make it through the day. I don't want to become addicted to those damn things. I know too many people who are.
And I really want to get my GED. It's something that's really important to me. So when he said he didn't want me going back to work, I was all good with it. He said that we didn't need the money. I believed him.
See, he handles the money. I don't spend more than $10 without asking him first. He's always said to ask him first so he can be sure that we have enough money in the bank. So that's what I do. I don't mind asking him first, it's no big deal to me.
When we first got married he added me to his bank account. He was added to mine (when I was working) from the day I opened it. Before we were married.
Anymoneyissues, when I was added to his account they set it up so I could do online banking. I forgot my log in info and one day while we were talking I told him I needed to call the bank so I could get the info to log into our account.
You should have seen his face. You'd swear I just said that I wanted to go slaughter little babies in their sleep or something. He said "You can just use my info to log in." And we left it at that.
A couple of days later (this was right before I was leaving to go on a visit home and I wanted to be able to check the account to keep up with my spending.) I asked him what his log in info was and I could tell right away he wasn't happy about it.
I was confused. We'd just discussed it a couple of days earlier and there seemed to be no problem. He says "What do you need to log into the account for?" "What exactly is it that you're after?" WTF? Dude. Does he honestly think I'm going to rob him blind or something? Because that's exactly how he made me feel. I thought it was "our" money. Apparently he sees things differently.
I understand that his ex "robbed him blind" when they split. I'm not his ex. Just because she screwed you financially doesn't mean I will. Stop treating me like I will. That's his baggage, It shouldn't be my burden. I don't treat him like he's just like my ex, he shouldn't do it to me.
I tried explaining to him that I wanted to keep up with my spending while I was home but that also it was a good idea for me to have the info. What if something happened to him? I'd have no way of accessing "our" account.
He didn't seem to get it. He seemed suspicious of what my intentions were. I had no intentions, other than tracking my spending. That was it.
It bothers me that he would even question me about it. He doesn't trust me. That's obvious. I just don't understand why.
He hasn't always been honest with me about money and bills. I understand that it's a bruise to his pride that money is tight but he shouldn't lie to me about it. That just causes me to not trust him and we don't need that on top of everything else going on in our life.
When we argue, no matter what we're arguing about there's one thing that he always seems to manage to throw into the mix. "I'm the one who has to worry about the bills, I'm the one that has to figure out where the money's going to come from!"
I'm sure you can imagine how much that pisses me off. I'm not working because he was so against it. And if he wasn't so private about money and bills then maybe I could help. At least talking to me about it would help relieve some of his stress. But he chooses to keep it to himself.
And to be honest, he had a great job. We were doing good financially. Then he got this teaching job. It's his dream job. I understand that. He worked both for almost 9 months and it just got to be too hard on him working from 6 am till 1 am. It got to be too hard on us. He decided to quit the first job. I supported him in that decision.
Six months after he quit the first job the dream job decided to cut his pay by $10 an hour. That's not my fault. He's the one who said "OK" to them instead of standing his ground. He could have quit. I wouldn't have put up with my boss coming to me and saying "Hey we still want you to do the same job and work the same hours but we're going to pay you $10 less an hour than what we have been." I would have told them to kiss my ass.
He made the choice to stay. I supported his decision. It's his life, I just want him to be happy. He says the dream job makes him happy. It makes him stressed out over money though.
He makes a point of always letting me know how much stuff cost. If we go out to dinner he makes sure I see the bill. If I don't, me makes a point of telling me how much it was. Same with grocery shopping. Same with Christmas and birthday gifts. He always makes sure that I know how much he spent on me.
It gets old. It's almost as if he's saying "See much I just had to spend to make you happy?" I mean, if it's that big of an issue for you then don't do it. Simple enough right?
I hate asking for anything extra. You know, like hair cuts/highlights or make up (when I run out). It makes me feel like I'm a burden to him.
Last month I needed to order some new make up and I mentioned it four times and was told all four times "It's going to have to wait until next month, money's a little tight right now." Ok, no big deal. I can wait. Then I happened to sign into his Ebay (we both use it) and I noticed that he's bidding on over $170 worth of vintage stereo equipment. I almost lost my mind.
That afternoon I mentioned the make up again, I was told the same thing. So I mentioned that he might want to be careful of what he's bidding on then, I'd hate for him to win something and not be able to pay for it. Funny, I was able to order the make up that I needed that afternoon.
That's the kind of stuff that just kills me. Had I not signed into his Ebay I wouldn't have even known about it. But I don't spend more than $10 without discussing it with him first.
I guess I just expected when it came to buying "extras" (like vintage stereo equipment) that he'd discuss it with me first too. I don't think that I'm wrong for expecting him to give me the same respect that I do him. I've always thought it's something we should discuss as a couple (how any extra money is spent). Apparently, he doesn't.
I've never been in a relationship where I was made to feel like I wasn't an equal financially. Or made to feel like I'm a burden. Even if I wasn't working. Hell, I always had control of the money. Not because I asked for or demanded control. That's just how they wanted it.
I paid all the bills, I did all the shopping. They'd bring home their checks, take a little bit for the week and that was it. When it came to buying any extras, it was something we discussed as a couple.
And even then I didn't go out shopping or spending without discussing it with them first. It was what felt right to me.
I know that I can't expect Mr to do everything I'm used to, just like he can't expect me to do what he's used to. I realize it's a happy medium. I'm willing to meet in the middle. Mr never has seemed to be willing to do that.
I know that part of the reason for that is because when he got divorced he found out that he was over $25,000 in debt because he just came home and handed over his paycheck and didn't ask any questions. Once again though, I didn't do that. So don't make me have to deal with the consequences of her actions.
The more I post in this blog the more it makes me wonder if all of these issues are normal, if they're issues that all couples deal with in one sense or another. Or is my relationship, my marriage just completely screwed up?
Until next time.