It's always been about making sure that I did what everyone expected out of me, what they thought I should be doing. Instead of what I wanted to. My Mom was a very domineering woman. We usually did what we were told, no questions asked.
I've never been able to make decisions on my own. I've alway relied on my Mom, or my Sisters to "help" me make important decisions in my life. They know what's best for me right??
When I met Mr online and decided to move away from everyone to be with him, it was really one of the only decisions I'd ever truly made on my own.
I question that decision on a daily basis. Our lifestyles are totally different. We were raised totally different. I thought that since we'd spent over a year getting to know each other before we even met in person that we knew everything about each other. I was wrong.
I was also "in love" and probably missed a lot of "signs" that I shouldn't have. Hell, truth be told I didn't miss them. I ignored them. They were all right there for me to see.
In dealing with my feelings lately I've come to realize that without my family, I'm nothing. I'm empty inside. They're the ones who'll cheer me on no matter what. As crazy as they are, and as much drama as it can be, I NEED THEM. I've always said my family puts the "funk" in dysfunctional but I wouldn't have it any other way.
They're my driving force, when I'm ready to give up they'll be the first people to tell me "Oh no you're not!"
Mr's family just isn't as emotional or supportive as mine is. At least not with me. I always feel like an outsider when we're all together. I'm always the odd one in the room. That's nothing against them. They're great people, we're just different.
Explaining the whole situation would probably help you understand where I'm coming from better. When I met Mr I was an extremely unhappily married woman. My husband at the time was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive.
He was addicted to pills. Any kind of pills. When he was on these pills he was mean. He was hateful. He'd say things to make me cry, in front of his friends, on purpose. It was a game to him.
He was a man I'd been in love with for over 20 years. We'd broken up once and both married other people and then 7 years later got back together.
He was "The Guy" for me. When I met him I swear, as cheesy as it sounds, I actually heard bells, angels...something. I fell in love with him (almost) instantly.
I actually fell in love with his two daughters before I fell in love with him. I loved that man with everything I had in me. My love for his two daughters is the same.
Drugs turned all that to shit. I was crushed. I honestly felt like I slowly dying inside. All of this was going on at the same time that I was being diagnosed with my health problems so depression was a major factor in my life. I was lost, I felt like no one understood me or what I was going through.
I hid a lot of what was going on in my life from my family. I was too embarrassed to admit that my life was in such a shambles.
Then I met Mr online. At first we were just "friends". He listened to me, he was nice to me. It took me a while to realize that I was in love with him. But once I did I knew there was no turning back. I also knew that the only way I was going to leave the ex, for good, was by moving out of state.
If I stayed where I was I would have ended up going back to the ex, time and again. Like I'd always done. So when Mr and I talked about who was going to move where, I decided that I would be the one to move.
I made that choice because Mr kept telling me that I could go home whenever I wanted to visit my family. Before I moved, I questioned Mr about "what if I get homesick?" or "What if my Dad gets sick and I need to go home?" his answer would always be "Well, we'll get you a ticket and send you home!"
It's a nice statement, but not at all practical. He doesn't have the money to spare for me to making trips home whenever I choose. I'm not "dissing" him for that. But if he had been honest with me before I moved, then I might have made a different decision about moving here.
I guess in the back of my mind I think he knew that, and that's why he wasn't honest about it. I would never have moved this far away had I known that I would have only been able to see my family once or twice a year.
As much as I'd like to not hold that against him, I resent him for not being completely honest with me about it. He also made it seem like I wouldn't be making these trips home alone. I resent the fact that he's only been there once (when we met).
When something comes up with his family, you better believe we're going to be there. If something comes up with my family, I'll be there (hopefully) but chances are...he's not going to be able to come with me. Because it's not that important to him. If it were, he'd make it happen.
I've even tried to talk him into driving there. Sure, it's a 19 hour road trip but we could make it fun, we could stop for a night somewhere. He's not even willing to do that. But it's not problem to drive 12 hours in a day to go pick his parents up.
When I bring this up it pisses him off. A lot. But how can I not feel like (at least to him) his family is more important than mine?
Every time I "announce" to my family members that I'm coming home for a visit the first question I get is "Is Mr coming with you?" My heart sinks every time I have to say no. My family doesn't understand why he can't come with me.
Sure, they understand about money always being tight, but they also realize that it's not very important to Mr that they get to know him better.
Since the day I moved here it's been about his kids, his family. My kid, my family seems like an after thought to him. They're secondary. And they always will be.
Don't get me wrong, I'd never be able to respect a man who didn't put his family first. But I also can't respect a man who doesn't consider my family his, and put them first too.
He's never even met my Father. When Mr and I met (in person for the first time) I thought it was too soon for them to meet. It was stupid of me to think that it was Ok to move half way across the country without at least introducing him to my Father first.
Mr has paid for two (maybe three) of my plane tickets home. Either I've paid for the rest, or my kid has. My kid likes to buy my tickets as gifts for xmas and birthdays. But it bothers me. He shouldn't be spending his money on plane tickets for me. But hell, he wouldn't see me nearly as much as he does (which is usually only twice a year) if he didn't.
Mr would never let one of his children pay his way for anything. But he doesn't see anything wrong with my kid having to do it in order to see me.
Even on Father's day when his kids have invited him out to dinner, he had to pay. They didn't even pull out their wallets. (Don't even get me started on the fact that not only was I not invited to this dinner, I was told that presence was not needed or wanted. That's another entry all together!)
I've begged Mr every way I know how to move closer to my family. At least within driving distance. When I do he starts looking for jobs on line, but never seems to be able to find one that pays as much as he's making now. I don't buy it. I know what kind of money there is to be made where I'm from.
He's also not willing to "get dirty" anymore. He's teaching now and he said that he doesn't want to go back to doing the actual work that he's now teaching.
If my feelings were important to him, he would be willing to sacrifice going back to the "dirty work". He's not. He doesn't want to move. The whole "job hunt" charade is just to get me to shut up about moving home. Once I quiet down about it, the job hunt stops.
I guess if I were happier with our relationship then I could deal with being so far away from my family better than I currently am. But I'm not happy.
He's a good man. You'll never hear me say that he's not. But he's also stubborn and not willing to change. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with that and still keep my dignity intact.
We'll leave that for my next entry. This one has gotten to be a whole lot longer than I'd planned it to be and I don't want to wear y'all out.
Thanks for "listening!"