I left the last entry saying that I'm not happy in my relationship so I figured that was the best place for me to start this entry.
I haven't been happy for a while now. Mr and I have discussed it. I've made it perfectly clear what I need/want from him. Yet nothing seems to change.
I'll be the first person to tell you that I am far from perfect. Living with me is not easy. My health issues alone can be a burden to deal with. Quite often it (when I'm having a flare) leaves a lot of the housework for him to do. That must be frustrating.
I'm horrible when it comes to doing laundry. I forget about it every single time. He does most of the laundry. He does most of the cooking. I'm used to cooking a certain kind of food (y'all know where I'm from), he's not used to eating that every day. So he chooses to do most of the cooking.
He's made it clear what (changes) he needed/wanted from me. I at least made an effort. I at least tried to change. He hasn't. So I stopped making the effort. Why should I put my all in if he's not willing to?
When I say that it makes me feel childish. Though, when I'm the only one who's making the effort to make this work it reminds me of when I was with the ex and doing everything to try to make my marriage work only to have it slap me in the face.
He's so set in his ways that he can't see doing anything any other way that what he's used to. I get that. Change is never easy. But it's sometimes required to make a relationship work. He's got to know this, right?
What else can I think except that he knows if he wants us to work then he needs to be as willing to change to make me happy as I am (for him).
He knows and he doesn't (seem to) care. That's exactly what I think.
In all honesty, there are more issues than I'd care to admit. The crazy thing to me is that when I bring these issues up with Mr he seems like it such a surprise to him. How can he not see the same things that I do? How can it not bother him as much as it does me?
I feel bad about talking about this, even here. And honestly, I'm embarrassed to talk about it but I trust the few of you who I've given the link to this blog and I know that you're not judging me (or Mr) so that makes it a little easier for me.
Our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. Literally. Since we got married we've probably had sex twice a year. He hasn't touched me in 8 months. Not because that's my choice. It's his. (Before we got married, it was much more often. Weird.)
I don't even try (to have sex) anymore. I can't take the rejection. It's killing whatever self esteem I have left.
If he were suddenly paralyzed or if he had health issues that made it impossible for us to have sex, I'd be the supportive wife and stand by his side. I'm not saying that would be easy, but I love him so it's what I'd do. But that's not the case. Unless there are issues and he's just too embarrassed to talk to me about it.
Both of my Sisters have asked me if I think he's seeing someone else. I don't. He goes to work and he's home 15 minutes after he gets off of work. He doesn't really go anywhere without me. So I honestly don't think that's it.
I've tried talking to him about this several times. Every time I bring it up I get a different excuse. This is just a small list of the excuses.
- I'm (he's) uncomfortable with how much weight I've (he's) put on.
- I'm so tired by the time that I get off of work that I just don't have the energy for it.
- Our sleep schedules are so different that it seems like we never go to bed at the same time.
- We've both put on weight and I'm just not comfortable.
- I'm just stressed about money and/or bills.
- Hearing the dogs crying (in their kennels) is such a distraction for me (him).
- I know how much it (sometimes) makes your muscles hurt when we have sex and it makes me feel bad.
- I think I have low testosterone.
And here are my answers to all of those excuses.
- Babe, I love you. You look great to me. I don't care how much weight you've put on.
- You're off on weekends, we could at least make one day a weekend for us.
- No one says you have to have sex only at night when you go to bed. Hell, sex in the middle of the day or whenever the mood hits us is fun sometimes. You should try it. (I also started going to bed at the same time as him.)
- Oh no he
this mofodidn't. Yeah, he did. I let him live. Nuff said.
- I can get a job. Hell, I can even help relieve that stress, come here.
- Then get rid of the damn dogs. If we can't have sex because a couple of bad ass dogs then they've got ta go! I'm not playing.
- I've got plenty of pain pills, we're good to go. All kidding aside, I also know how much it (sometimes) make me hurt. I'm still willing to "do it!" No one says we've got to get buck wild and hang from the ceiling and shit.
- Then go to the effin' doctor and talk to them about it. They've got pills for that ya know.
Y'all I'm not asking the man to jump me and "do me" like a porn star every time he sees me. Hell, I'd settle for once a month. Once every three months. Anything would be better than what it is now.
Some of you may be able to understand where I'm coming from about this. No matter how many different excuses he gives me there's only one thing I keep telling myself.
He just doesn't want me. That I'm too fat. That he's not attracted to me. That I'm not sexy enough. That I'm not skinny enough. That I don't turn him on enough. I could (and do, in my mind) go on and on.
I've never in my life felt this insecure about my looks/weight. I've never been with a man who wasn't all over me 24/7. But knowing that our sex life (or lack there of) doesn't bother Mr makes me feel like it's me.
I've told him this. Many times. I've cried about it to him. Maybe I'm expecting to much but you would think knowing that he was making me feel that way about myself would make him want to do anything to make me stop feeling that way about myself. Nope.
It's not only the lack of sex that bothers me. There's no affection. There's none of that playful stuff that two people who are in love, and happy do with each other. There's nothing that makes us a "normal" couple anymore. We're more like room mates who just happen to love one another and sleep in the same bed together. That's it.
I normally get two kisses a day, one in the morning (if I'm up) before he goes to work and one when we go to bed. Two little pecks. That's it.
If I'm up before Mr leaves to go to work I always make a point of telling him how nice he looks. Even when he's just wearing jeans and a polo. I always tell him how good he smells (when he's wearing cologne), or how pretty his eyes are. Something to make him feel nice.
He never does that for me. I always ask him "Does this look OK?" or "Do I look OK?" and I always get the standard "Yeah!" Uugh...it's like pulling teeth.
We don't do anything anymore. He goes to work, I go to school. We come home and spend the night watching TV. Once a month we go grocery shopping. That's it.
There's no "date nights" like there used to be, there's no getting out on the weekends and doing anything fun. He seems so content with the way our life is going, I don't see how. I'm bored to death.
I understand that money is tight right now since he's only working one job (instead of the two he had been working) but there are a lot of things to do around here that don't cost anything (except gas money) or cost very little to do. He's doesn't seem to want to leave the house.
I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to live. I want to get out and breath fresh air. It feels like these walls are closing in on me most days.
Yeah, I could get out and do things by myself but where's the fun in that? I want to do things with him. I want to get him excited about our life together again. Instead of him just being content living the way we are.
But then I feel selfish. Who says that he isn't perfectly happy with the way our life is going? Who says this isn't exactly how he's always wanted our life to be? Is it fair to expect him to change that for me? Is it fair to expect me to settle with our life as it is, for him?
Do I love him? Hell yes. Do I still want to make this marriage work? In a perfect world, yes. But I need to be near my family, and I need him to change.
I've always been one of those people who runs when things get tough. I've never been willing to hang through the tough stuff and give it my all to make things work. And that's why I haven't left yet. Because I don't want to be that person anymore.
If I end up leaving Mr I need to know in my heart that I've given it my all. That I've put everything that I have in me to make this marriage work. That every thing I sacrificed, all the time away from my kid and my family weren't for nothing. That at least this time, I did everything I possibly could to make it work. That it wasn't a failure because of me.
My one (my only) friend here J tells me all the time, "Girl, why don't you just go home. You're not happy. It shows on your face every time I see you."
And I'll be honest, it's something I'm seriously considering right now. I don't have much left in me to give. It hurts to admit that. It is what it is though.
I'm not going to sit back and let life pass me by. I am going to give him everything I have to give until I don't have anymore left to give. It is going to reach a point where I have nothing left. It is going to reach a point where I wont be able to give my all when I'm getting nothing in return.
Thanks for listening. I know that the subject of this entry contained some really person information and I really appreciate you if you're still reading this. I hope I didn't make you feel too uncomfortable but writing this and being able to see my feelings on the screen is helping me a lot more than I realized it would.
AnyTMI, thanks again. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. We could use all the help we can get right now!
Until next time.